Sometimes things just need to fall apart! Let them

As human beings we always want to have a sense of control, over our surrounding. Most times, it is a misleading state of mind - we think we can control our partners, our environment, our colleagues, our children, the outcomes of our lives by doing x, y , z…. Yet the reality is, that the life we live every single minute, is the result of millions of variations that culminated in this precise second, to give us the experience we are living through in the moment. It is scary to think about it. Having a sense of control makes us feel calm, it makes us feel like we can predict the outcome. Our brains are wired to seek that feeling of ‘knowing’ and familiarity. We seek it throughout our lives, consciously or unconsciously.

Why do we need to let go?

The beauty comes when we let go. At times, things do need fall apart in order for us to be able to re-build them better, different or more aligned to who we truly are. Desperately trying to control the bricks crumbling is a pointless exercise, and the sooner we are able to acknowledge it, the sooner we can start rebuilding with new materials. I am not an advocate for people to be sitting and watching life pass them by, hoping for the best as they have completely let go of everything. This theory got really popular when people misunderstand books and teachings like ‘The Secret’. Leaning in towards laziness, thinking no work needs to be done, they can just lay around all day and the bricks will rebuild themselves. This is a deceptive perception of how life works, which I will address in future posts. We are often given the tools but we still need to do the work.

Sometimes life feels like you are fighting against a wall, bumping your head over and over again, realising that there has been little effect on the wall and a lot of pain inflicted on your head. These are the moments that you kind of need to take a step back and let it fall apart, so you can re-assess where you can begin again. Similar to being swept up by a tornado and while you are in the middle of the swirl, trying to catch on bits and re-build a house is completely futile. However, once you are back on the ground amongst all the destruction around you, you start picking up the pieces, one by one and start rebuilding. Hopefully what we go through in life isn’t as dramatic as being swept up by a tornado but when you see a grand force sweeping through your life, brace for it as most times you cannot fight it. Then wait until the dust settles.

Can we control a relationship?

Realising that many times we are powerless in the face of life situations because they depend on other people’s actions too is a tough process. As humans, we are taught that we are all powerful throughout our lives. Top of the food chain, most evolved species, the list goes on and gets to our heads.

Then there is fear. If I let go it will all fall apart - the relationship, the job, the event I am working on etc… But will it really? I will focus on relationships for a second. For sure you yourself are or you know someone who is obsessed in keeping their partner faithful. It is one of the most common scenarios of people exerting a fake sense of control over a situation. They think that by checking a person’s phone, always knowing where they are, showing up unexpectedly to places, they somehow make sure their partner is faithful and they are in control of the situation. But are they? Really?

The truth is slightly different. That person depends entirely on the actions of their partner. If they want to cheat they will always find a way, that is the reality, no amount of control will stop this. The other person may catch them or they may not, and they will continue to think they control the situation. However, realising you cannot control a person/situation is a tough path to realising the root of the problem and why you need to feel in control. It almost always leads to our underlying fears. Fear of abandonment - classic scenario where we think by controlling our partner they wont abandon us because we fear that if we let them be they will realise we are not good enough and just walk away, cheat etc… The root cause is that ultimately we do not feel worthy in those situations, and the acts of control allow us to continue not addressing the underlying problem in our own self. So what if they walk away or cheat? Aren’t you letting them show you who they truly are by releasing control? Isn’t it about them rather than about you in that moment? If your relationship is to fall apart in that moment it is not because you let go of control, it is because you let go and they showed you their true colours in that moment. You never controlled it, it was just a matter of time when it happens. People are who they are. By allowing them to be themselves, instead of trying to control the outcome because ‘you love them and cannot imagine life without them’ you are letting them show you who they really are, and who they will be under normal circumstances. You can pretend that by obsessively checking on them, they are a different person but ultimately, at some point people’s real nature shines through. hence why in a relationship you should have boundaries not excessive control, as you will not achieve much with it aside from from stress and unhappiness.

Letting go in this situation, letting your whole world fall apart is extremely painful indeed. However, it teaches you that this person wasn’t right for you because a relationship builds on 2 people wanting the same. Life has a funny way of sweeping things out when they are not aligned. There are always signs, the little pushes you feel internally before it all comes crashing down for you, if you take no action. Maybe you are doubting something, so it increases your level of anxiety and you start to obsessively check your partner’s phone, location, online status etc… these are signs that something isn’t working and instead of trying to control it you should see where it leads you. What you find out on the other side may not be what you wanted but it would be something that will show you where to go. Do you really want to live in a relationship that does not provide you with a safe space to feel loved, calm, happy and respected? Isn’t that the fundamental of sharing your life with another person? Trust, respect, love, safety?

If you continuously find yourself lacking these elements, what are you doing there? This is life’s way of asking you that precise question. Your response of exerting control over the relationship/situation comes out of a place of fear and you should not fear. You have come this far in this world all by being you, do not fear to continue even if this means letting everything fall apart before it becomes the most amazing life you never allowed yourself to dream of.