Surviving the holidays, when you do not feel like celebrating

It is once again the time of year when everyone is washed over with cheer. People around us seem to be possessed by joy, which sometimes is a little unexplainable and also a little suffocating for people who are not into a celebratory mood.

For years now, I have dreaded the month of December. ‘Are you excited about the holidays?’, ‘What are your plans for the holidays?’, ‘Have you decorated for the holidays'?’ and all those questions that are asked by pretty much every single person you chat with between November and December. I respect people’s joy, I am 100% for it but I really hate it being imposed on me. The lack of understanding that not everyone is in a festive mood, the judgement, the being puzzled by the fact that I am not over the moon that Christmas is here again - gosh the list is endless. I do not enjoy the holidays. It has never been a good time for me personally. However, there seems to be a lot of judgement if you are not squeaking with joy once 1st of December hits. I wish people were more accepting that the holidays do not always bring festive cheer for people.

There are people out there for whom the holidays exasperate the sense of loneliness, fear, loss, heartbreak and many more feelings that are very far from joy. The social pressure to feel something positive, only makes a person feel worse. We do not know people’s stories and I think we should never judge. Because we do not know if the person in front of us is suffering a loss they do not talk about be that death or separation. They may live in an abusive environment they are scared of and the holidays just put them into that environment with no way out. Their financial situation may not be at its best and the pressure of abiding by the social conventions of gift giving is weighing on them.

People fight silent battles every day, and the holidays make them truly face those head on.

For many years I suppressed the feelings of inadequacy that arose in me when the holidays came. I wanted to be like everyone else and feel the festive spirit, have the big tree and the family gathered into a festive few days of eating, drinking, jokes and presents. However, after years of trying and failing, I realised that was not on the cards for me. My ex-partner was not into the holidays and he made sure that every year, there was at least one massive fight surrounding those days, followed by a lot of tears. He refused to participate in any kind of traditional celebrations, and overall it was just a painful time when staying at home together. This built on top of my childhood experience of lack of magic around the holidays, and an aggressive father making sure every holiday was painful. For most of my adult years, I tried to fit into the mould of the festive cheer but ultimately failed. The feeling of inadequacy upset me even more. In the past few years, the holidays were always marked by an event that made them even more miserable. My grandma going through surgery which accelerated her Alzheimers just before Christmas in 2019. Having to put my cat to sleep just before Christmas eve in 2020. Falling and hitting my head just before Christmas eve in 2021 and the list goes on.

On top of that, I now was on my own. There was no partner to spend the holidays with. I could feel the loneliness being so loud during this time. While everyone was fussing about their partners, family, kids and how to juggle between visiting the endless number of family members during the holidays, all I felt was one giant hole of emptiness. I did not particularly want to spend the holidays with my parents. I do it out of obligation when I am home. Being with friends was just a little bit like being at the kids table at a wedding. When the clock strikes 12 everyone is kissing their partner and I am standing there in yet another awkward moment. Traveling was just a patch that made me ignore the problem, and allowed me to just forget about it for a bit, ultimately I had to face what I felt. I was stuck between a rock and hard place in what I felt. When I was in a relationship it was not good, but it was not lonely. Without a relationship and a functional support group, I was lonely. This is when I realised, I can create my own set up that worked for me.

I learned to say No and made my own traditions.

Family you are comfortable with during the holidays can also look like this

I decided to create the traditions that worked for me and made me feel comfortable, cozy and happy. I declined invitations to join people’s celebrations when I did not feel like being festive. I stopped decorating, aside from pine branches that I love. I realised that decorating a tree only made me feel pain, thinking about having to say goodbye to people and pets I loved during this time. I declined invitations to spend the holidays with friends. I love my friends but some set ups just do not bring me joy. I realised that for New Years I rather be on my own than surrounded by people whose lifestyles I do not relate to. I travel if I find it matching my needs, not because I do not want to be alone or I want to forget being alone. People think I am weird, I can see the confusion and sometimes pity, when I decline invitations. However, it really does not bother me because ultimately it is important that I feel comfortable, I am not here to make society feel comfortable by how I choose to spend the holidays.

I embraced being on my own. I embraced the silence and I embraced my own traditions. I realised that sitting at home, cooking for myself, giving the time to myself was the most precious gift I could ask for. I still feel the pain of loss, I still see the emptiness but it does not control me. It is there, as a silent companion showing me the path I have walked, the milestones along the way. But there is also a glimmer of my own joy and peace, yes it is unconventional for some but this is what I feel comfortable with and for the first time in decades I can somewhat relax during this time of year.

If you are feeling pressured by the holidays, I urge you to spend some time to face the uncomfortable. The holiday season is not going anywhere, and you should not feel this way year after year. Different techniques work for different people, so I urge you to spend some time to find yours, find your comfort space.

I wish you all a peaceful holiday season.