It is ok to pause
I think this has been and still is, the hardest realisation for me - to allow myself to pause. As the type that likes to achieve, doing nothing, sitting still and ultimately surrendering is an almost impossible task. So much so, that it physically challenges me to do it.
The first time I was truly forced to that was last year - March 2022. After a series of negative news, I got COVID. I tested positive 1 day before my birthday. It was ironic, to say the least. Although I had the vaccines and so on, it hit me hard. I do not believe I had ever been as ill as I was on my birthday that year. I had no energy, I could barely get up to go to the toilet. I lived alone with my cat. I kept on thinking about the articles that said how cats would eat their owners if they died, and the cat was hungry. It was a cringe moment to say the least.
Although many people thought of me and sent me flowers, snacks, beautiful messages I could not help but feel defeated in that moment. I was laying on my living room floor on my birthday, no energy, pain, coughing my lungs out, ultimately so alone. This is when it all hit me - things around me are not OK. My physical body was loudly responding to what my heart and soul were going through for some time. Now all 3 felt defeated and I could not keep going anymore. I had to physically pause, sit down, stop in my tracks and look at what was happening.
My carefully curated world was crumbling around me. For months to come, I will continuously watch it crumble until there was nothing left but for it to fully collapse. But this was the day it all started. The day I realised, I could not control my surrounding by just continuing to plough through life. Not looking inwards.
From the lens of time, I think this moment comes for every person out there. In many different shapes and forms we all go through it. For some it is a big painful, fall on your backside experience, for some it is more subtle and manageable. Ultimately though, we all feel defeated at some point in life. Most motivational posts will tell you that here is what makes the difference in people - you feel defeated? Get up and try again. I was such a big believer in that, until now. There is wisdom in pausing, wisdom that never comes when you keep going without reflecting.
I had felt defeated for awhile but I chose not to acknowledge the feeling and sit with it. I thought it will go away. So I kept on doing more and more to try and silence the voice inside my head telling me that where I am headed is not the right place to go. I believe that if I did not get COVID at that point, I may have continued going. Throwing in everything at the situations happening around me, trying to combat them. Ultimately I would have exhausted myself and probably had some heart issues by the end of it. Having to sit through almost 3 weeks of COVID illness, physically not being able to perform tasks, made me understand the art of pausing.
When you pause, you are able to see the big picture. The noise of all the day to day - I have to do this, I have to go there, I have to, I have to, I have to… slowly disappears, leaving space in your head to look inwards. Understand what is happening, and give yourself time.
We humans are so bad at that - giving ourselves time to think, process and just be. As we grow older we continuously believe that by doing more and more, and over stretching ourselves for the wrong people, jobs, lovers, friends we will make it better.
We are taught not to give up, yet we continuously give up on our own selves by showing up for the wrong people and day to day activities in life. As someone who has been taught to fight until the last final second, I can tell you - it is OK to pause sometimes when the going gets too much.
You will achieve so much more than if you just keep battling every single thing thrown your way. Life has its challenges and I am not saying to just give up at the sight of the first obstacle. However when your gut tells you that something is not right, when you are not getting the outcomes you want for a prolonged period of time, when Monday morning comes and your stomach is all tense and you are thinking of a last minute excuse not to show up to work, when you cry more than you smile in your relationship - give yourself the permission to pause and reassess what is going on.
You truly do not need to continue when your mind, body and soul are giving you red, flag, stop sign signals that what is happening to you is not right. You are not proving anything to anyone but only harming yourself in the process.
It is a life long practice. As I write this, I am in a moment where I am telling myself to pause, so I do not get back to the floor moment. Give myself the space to think. I have gotten this far, so I am sure I can get myself further. I just need to allow myself the space to do it.
Add this concsious thought to your daily practice. You do not need to react to everything, you can take your time to respond instead. We as humans, have not been built for all this constant flow of information demanding an immediate response. Our brains cannot process so many stimuli thrown at us at the same time, hence why we go into panic state and enter fight or flight mode. Also known as survival mode. This is not the mode that will deliver the best for you as a person, it is a mode that keeps you going until the adrenaline finally drops. Then, you will be forced to take a break.
I hope after reading this, you will reward yourself with the permission to pause, if you need it. Because deep down we all know when the time has come for us to take a step back and assess, instead of continue.
